He always steals my things
by Madam Mimm
Summary: Anyone notice Castiel has been a bit... weird lately?
1. Chapter 1

Point one; Use of air quotes

Point two; Calling Sam "Boy".

Point three; Kissing Meg

Point four; Understanding humour- bad joke

Point five; Kissing Meg! (Written twice on Dean's insistence)

Point six; watching porn

Point seven; attempting to hug Sam

Point eight; Making out with Goddamn MEG! (in Dean's handwriting, added without Bobby's consent)

Bobby scratched his chin with the end of his pencil, looking across the table at Sam.

"Anything else you can remember?"

"No... But then, if you want memories, you're kind of talking to the wrong person."

"Mm... I spoke to Dean already, and between us this is all we could come up with." He looked down at the slip of paper, debating whether six points was a defendable case. "Well, that and the incident that started up my suspicions." He added "requesting alcohol" to the list. On their own, none of these were notable changes in behaviour, but when you put them all together, he was starting to suspect something was up.

"Maybe Dean will have something else when they get back." Sam shrugged, moving to the kitchen and making himself some cereal.

"Where are they?"

"They went to the museum. There's an exhibit there that Dean thinks might help with this "mother" thing, but he needs Cas to translate it."

Bobby raised his eyebrows and shifted in his seat. He looked down at his list, scratching his chin again. Something, he thought, was most undeniably up.

Across town, a dispute had broken out next to a hot dog stand.

"For crying out loud, it's a hot dog." Dean sighed, glaring at Cas. It was typical of the angel to ruin their lunch by standing there staring at his food like a dim-witted pigeon. Analysing it like a...

"I know that." Cas sneered, raising his eyebrows at Dean. "I'm just reluctant to eat something that was 99 cents from a guy on the street. How much of this do you really think is pork product?" Cas threw it into a nearby bin and then, as an afterthought, snatched Dean's burger away and threw that in the bin too. "Can we get sushi?"

Dean stared at him with wide, semi-violated eyes, as if Cas had just presented him with a possum in a sandwich.

"What? I've never had sushi before, and I'd like to try it."

Dean now looked as though Cas had presented him with a possum in a sandwich and asked for it lightly grilled. But before he could protest, Cas had swept off down the street to find a sushi bar.

He sighed, and followed after the angel, but not before he'd taken out his phone and sent a text to Bobby.

"Rejected Hot Dog, stole my burger, threw both in trash and demanded Sushi. WTF?"

Dean stood, leaning against the left hand wall of the motel room. Sam was on the right and Bobby was by the front door. None of them were exactly sure how to go about this rather important first stage of a plan. Holding an intervention for any addict can be dangerous, because the first thing a lot of people do is lash out and try to get away. They had made sure that he'd have to stay there, having painted the tried-and-trusted enochian sigils on the walls, but they really didn't want to see the angle "lash out".

Bobby cleared his throat, and gave dean the nod. Dean started, slightly nervous, and closed his eyes.

"Castiel... We, uh... we want to... we need to talk."

They exchanged worried glances, but sure enough, Cas appeared, looking from one to the other.

"Why are you all staring at me?"

"Castiel..." Bobby started, not managing to maintain eye contact with the angel. "We just wanted to check that everything's... ok with you."  
"You... "Just wanted to check"?" Cas narrowed his eyes.

"You've been kind of... you know..." Dean tapped his temple, shifting awkwardly. "Kind of off, lately."

"Really." Cas rolled his shoulders, standing up straight, and staring resolutely at the wall. "You call me down here, wasting my time, just to ask if I'm ok." His tone begin to rise in annoyance, shooting withering glares at the assembled men, making them feel like school children. "I am marshalling a war in Heaven, and you puny mortals think you can just interject with..."

At that point, all the lights in the room cut out, then came back on, brighter than before. Everyone was confused by this, until they noticed that there were now five bodies in the room. Then they were completely bewildered.

"Gabriel?"

The angel looked absolutely furious, his hair sticking out at odd angles, glaring at Castiel with burning hatred. He spoke in a low growl.

"Found you." He hissed at Castiel, whose features had reconfigured and shrunk into a shocked, slightly guilty but mostly amused smile. "Give me back my vessel."


	2. Chapter 2

There was a stunned silence. All eyes went from Gabriel to Castiel, and back again.

"You heard me." Gabriel (or the person they believed to be Gabriel) sounded like he'd just sprinted a marathon, breathing ragged and shoulders heaving. "Give. Me. Back. My. Vessel."

"Um... no." The angel previously thought of as Castiel grinned, shoulders suddenly slumped, hands in his pockets, a grin on his face. "I mean, you can come here and fight me if you want, we're both kind of trapped, but damn if I'm not enjoying being tall." He grinned, as a very comfortable armchair materialised next to him. He sat down, draping his legs across one o the arms, shooting a winning smile at Not-Gabriel. Not-Gabriel marched over him and punched him, shoulders still heaving. Not-Castiel reeled a little, rubbing his jaw.

"Good arm. But you know you're only hurting your precious Jimmy, right?"

Not-Gabriel let out what could almost be called a scream of rage, before raising his arm. Not-Castiel flicked his hand lazily, sending Not-Gabriel back ten feet and hitting the wall next to Dean. Bobby grabbed a nearby book, and began chanting in Latin. Both angels looked at him, Not-Gabriel relieved and thankful, Not-Castiel confused.

"What's that?"

"A power-limitation spell." Not-Gabriel grinned, defiantly. "We can't use our powers."

That was all the invitation Sam and Dean needed. They each grabbed an angel and tied them to the kitchen chairs, which was not easy, but now the angels had been robbed of all their powers, they were at least on the same playing field. Not-Castiel glared and Not-Gabriel.

"It's your fault. You start a fight with someone that's bigger and stronger than you and then get your buddies to play dirty tricks? Come on, Dad raised you better than that."

"Enough." Bobby slammed the spell book down on the table, glaring at both of them. "Now does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"He stole my vessel!"

"Wait, wait..." Dean held his hand up. "Just to clarify, who am I talking to?"

"Castiel." The newly identified angel said, looking hurt. "You... you couldn't tell?"

"Uh..." Dean shifted, slightly embarrassed. "Hey, no one else noticed. He's a convincing actor."

"Oh Honey..." Gabriel (apparently) crossed his legs and batted his eyelashes. "I wasn't acting..."

Castiel's head snapped round, torn between death glares and wide eyed horror.

"You had better be attempting humour... Dean, please tell me he's attempting humour! What did you do?"

"Nothing, no, he's trying to be funny." Dean soothed the panicking Castiel, which wasn't helped by Gabriel mouthing phrases like "oh Dean" and "trip to O-city" while licking his lips. Bobby slammed the book again, in an attempt to regain order.

"Gabriel! Stop tormenting your brother."

"But it's so much fun..." Gabriel wheedled, having the time of his life. Castiel turned to Sam and Dean, a deep hurt in his eyes.

"So he locked me up in Heaven, stole my vessel and came down here pretending to be me, and none of you could tell the difference?"

"In fairness," Gabriel leaned in as close to Cas as he could, "Jimmy didn't notice the difference either."

Castiel gasped, and tried to shuffle away from his brother, looking up at Dean imploringly.

"Please, tell me you noticed something was wrong?"

"Yes, actually." Bobby held the list in front of Castiel's face, and watched with a sort of detatched amusement as the angel's face went from anger, to outrage, to shock.

"Meg?" He yelled, trying to kick his brother. "Meg? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What?" Gabriel rolled his eyes, still grinning like a Cheshire cat. "I killed Crowley, didn't I? Plus, I bet Jimmy's had a much more fulfilling time as a vessel now I'm taking care of his needs."

Cas muttered something in enochian, which earned a shocked, slightly impressed look from Gabriel. Bobby slammed the book three times, growing exasperated.

"Now look. As much as I want to know how in the hell you're still alive..." He pointed an angry finger at Gabriel, who winked at him, "And how long you've been posing as him..." he pointed at Cas, who at this point was resembling a wedding cake that had been left out in a torrential downpour, "I think we first of all need to get you back in your proper vessels, if anything just to stop this damn confusion."

"You should have thought of that before you took our powers away." Gabriel grinned, wriggling in an attempt to get comfy. "What are you guys going to do, give it the old "ade due demballa" and zap us back with bargain bucket hoo-doo?"

"Yeah." Dean nodded, hitting him on the back of the head. "Pretty much. Now you need to ask your meat suits to hold on tight."

A few minutes of Bobby reading Latin, Sam painting runes on the floor and Dean liberally applying herbs and spices to a cauldron later, there was a deathly, absolute silence. Followed by deathly, absolute noise. White light filled the room, washing out all sense of space, blinding everyone; they were deafened as two high pitched, high frequency notes resonated through their ears. It was a wonder their brains didn't explode...

Then, just as soon as it started, it was done with. All angels back to their own vessels, the ropes burned away but still contained to the room by various other spells. Sam and Dean looked at each other, visibly shaken.

"Ok then..." Dean cleared his throat, sitting down heavily on a nearby chair.

"Now." Bobby sat down too, staring at the angels. Cas looked quite happy to be returned to Jimmy, but Gabriel was clearly annoyed at losing his own game. Bobby glared at him. "Talk, trickster."


	3. Chapter 3

"What?" Gabriel looked incredulous, before going cross eyed attempting to stare at a lock of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes. He stuck out his bottom lip and blew up, completely failing at making it move. Castiel glared at the Winchesters, unimpressed.

"Are you honestly saying that... _he..._ claimed to be me for months, and you didn't notice anything?"

"Uh..." Dean shifted, uncomfortably, before picking up Bobby's book and slamming it on the table. "Hey, answer the question, Gabriel."

Gabriel sighed and slumped his shoulders.

"A good magician never reveals his tricks. But I suppose, if you asked nicely..."

Dean opened his mouth to argue, but Bobby held up a hand, watching Gabriel closely.

"We'd like to know how you're still alive. Please. Indulge us."

Gabriel smirked at Bobby, and nodded grudging respect, before laughing.

"Oh come on. You really think I'd risk my own ass in the old "he's behind you" bit? Please. That one's older than I am... and that's saying something."

"So when the fake you distracted Lucifer, the one he turned around and killed... was also a fake you?" Sam leant against the bookcase, suddenly remembering how irritating it was to work with Gabriel. He was like a cat hidden behind a couch, waiting for you to sit down with our feet on the floor before swiping out and scratching the shit out of your new jeans.

"Bingo." He grinned, shooting Sam a wink. Sam wasn't sure how to react to that, so he looked at the floor instead.

"But if Lucifer didn't kill you, where did you go?"

"Guess." He grinned, a wicked, Cheshire cat grin that could get a lesser person arrested. He stared at Dean for a moment, before looking around the assembled clueless faces. "Oh, come on... seriously? No guesses? Ok, I'll give you a clue... it rhymes with... _el schmasa... schmerotica."_

The confusion was replaced with sheer horror. Gabriel grinned again.

"_Schmorrrrrrrnoooo_..."

"Casa Erotica? The... the porn dvd you gave us?" Dean was somewhere between awestruck, respectful and horrified. He wasn't sure where, exactly, that was, and wanted the next bus out of there, but there didn't appear to be one. "You lived in a porn dvd... for a year?"

"Well, only about seven months. By that time, I was kind of getting disillusioned with the daily orgies, so I went back to heaven."

"You... I... we..." Dean wasn't sure how to end these sentances, so he just let his head rest in his hands and waited for the bus out of what he was now calling W.T.F-ville. "Sam, take over."

"Oh... uh..." He looked up, clearing his throat. "So..." Gabriel shot him another wink, and Sam's pupils visibly shrank as awkward shivers crept up his spine. "You know, I don't want to know."

Bobby glared at both of them.

"Wonderful. Good to see you boys are putting your educations to good use." He rolled his eyes, before turning back to Gabriel. "So you lived in a porno for seven months."

"Schmess..."

"Stop that."

"Schmorry..."

"I will beat your mouth clean off your face, idjit." Gabriel fell dutifully silent. Bobby cleared his throat, scratching his chin, thoughtfully. "And after seven months, you went back up to heaven, and then...?"

"And then this schmuck... last one, I promise... I come back to find him marshalling a war. A war! You are familiar with the history of me and war, right?"

"Oh yeah, you're a regular coward."

"I'm a pacifist... I'm a very active pacifist. So anyway, he starts petitioning me, and I say "no". And he keeps going, and I still say "no". But he keeps going, so I do the incorporeal equivalent of locking him in the basement for a bit."

"That's cruel, man." Dean looked up, back in an area of the conversation he was comfortable with.

"What? I fed him..." Gabriel mumbled, trying and failing at looking coy.

"Wait..." Sam held up a hand. "So every time you went back to check on the war in heaven...?"

"I stopped in to check he was still alive, and then went to a brothel in Saint Louis. Oh!" He turned to Castiel, looking slightly awkward. "Don't go to Saint Louis. I told them your name was Manuel, but they might recognise you."

Castiel stared at him for a moment, before turning to Dean, a curiously preoccupied expression on his face.

"This emotion I'm experiencing... Is this the same emotion that made you claim you were going to disfigure the crying child in the diner?"

"Yes." Dean nodded. "I would imagine so."

"Oh my father, would you calm down?" Gabriel sighed, slumping in his chair. In his typical trickster way, he was already getting bored of his ruse. "Fine, I was misguided to think robo-halo here could take a joke. What's the harm? We're all back in our own bodies, safe and sound; can I go now?"

"You're not going to be stupid enough to do something like this again, are you?" Bobby glared at the angel with the manner of a school teacher who was telling a smart yet delinquent pupil that he wasn't angry, just disappointed. In response, Gabriel bowed his head, pouting.

"No."

"Good. Sam, let him loose."

Sam stepped forward and untied Gabriel's bonds, while Bobby and Dean broke the spells and set loose Castiel. The angels disappeared with an awkward goodbye, and that, it appeared, was that. Good to know Gabriel was still alive, thought Dean, but it all seemed too... simple.

"Hey..." Bobby turned to Sam, three weeks later, tearing his eyes away from the horrifying spectacle of Dean performing "Livin' La Vida Loca", karaoke style, at the latest dive bar. "He seem a little... off to you?"


End file.
